Meat Coma

My friend Ben (of New York Post, PR Fuel and FindProfit fame) adores Peter Luger. Why? Because he doesn't need to leave his home 'hood of Billysburg, prefers not to have to get gussied up when he dines out and - most importantly - is awfully fond of steak. And. when someone let him know about the never-ending array of meat offered "Brazilian Rodizio" style at Churrascaria Plataforma he insisted that he could will himself to leave the borough and even dress up if need be. Could I possibly make us a reservation so we could gorge ourselves on bovine and alike?

Ouch! Stop twisting my arm!!!

We opted for the Tribeca branch of the restaurant and were greeted with a gorgeous room with high ceilings and a hip setting that featured strings of industrial lightbulbs and a minimalist waterfall.

Admiring that waterfall was the only minimalist part of the evening. For a very reasonable all-inclusive pricetag of $44.95 we were able to indulge in the restaurants admirable salad bar that featured everything from cold shrimp to hot risotto - not to mention a ton of seafood salads - and then dinner would arrive. Ben and I resisted the temptation to fill our salad bar plates more than once. We were there for one thing: the meat.

We flipped our red/green markers to green for "go" and the meat started coming - Friendly gentlemen carved a dizzying array of sirloin, top round, chicken, turkey wrapped in bacon, filet wrapped in bacon, flank steak, sausage, short ribs and more. We tried to resist the side dishes that went with - rice and beans, steamed veggies, orgasmic cheese bread, fried polenta sticks. It was difficult, but eventually we ate WAY more than our fill. We had done well...Dessert was out of the question.

Stuffed as we were, Ben couldn't help but feel inspired. (I on the other hand just felt like passing out cold - as indicated by the title of this posting.) Ben was so taken with the whole rodizio ethos of a "meat-athon" with continuous tableside service that he went home a drafted a business plan for a low-cost rodizio of his very own:

Fact Sheet

Restaurant Name: Glutton

Motto: "The More You Eat, The Less You Pay"

Location: Under Exit 34 of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway

Hours: Monday through Saturday noon to 3:00 AM, closed Sunday except during Football season when hours are 10:00 AM to 1:00 AM

Price: Flat-fee of $9.99 to $29.99, pricing determined by total weight of meat consumed (higher consumption total equals lower price)

Dress: Extremely casual

Reservations: Not accepted

Payment: Cash only

Restrictions: No children under the age of 12, no vegetarians, vegans or hippies. Hipsters pay $6.00 per person surcharge.

Menu: All you can eat selection of meats and vegetable comes with bottomless salad/bread bar, sundae bar and chicken wing coop

Drinks: $2.00 cans of Old Milwaukee, $2.00 shots of Jim Beam, $3 beer/shot combo, $8.00 64 oz. pitchers of Old Milwaukee, selection of fortified wines, soda, water

What You Need To Know: Polish waitresses in overalls serve meat from piles stacked high on flattened cardboard boxes. Guests are referred to as "Meatheads". Tables come with a scale and a digital scoreboard that tallies each Meathead's consumption. Bathrooms are Porta-Johns in the parking lot.
Last meat call is thirty minutes before closing.

Special Events: Meat The New Year (January 1), Super Meatbowl (coincides with Super Bowl Sunday), St. Patrick's Day Meat Surprise (March 17), Just For The Hell Of It, Meat Day (June 11), Fourth of July Meat Orgy (July 4), The Meat Olympics (August 1 through August 17), Labor Day Meat Marathon (Labor Day), Thanksgiving For Meat! (fourth Thursday of November), Jesus Christ Meat Superstar (December 24 to December 25), End Of The Year Meat Blowout (December 31)

He's presently seeking investors. So, if you know any meat-eating VCs, feel free to drop me a line and I'll make the introductions.

Comments

[Dr. Biggles]

Holy Cow! Looks like an episode from this months run on the Trio Network, "America -Supersized".

Oh man, I need some food. Skipped lunch and dinner is a few hours away, still. Ugh.

[The Malcontent]

Open this restaurant and I will leave Baltimore ("The Land of Pleasant Living") and live in an RV by Glutton! And I'll bring Natty Boh for the chef/owners.

And don't forget to celebrate St. Bovintine's Day (February 14), "For Meat Lovers and the People That Love Them."

[Ben]

Dear Malcontent,

We plan on opening Glutton Balmore in late 2005 at a location on West North Ave between Falls Road and West Mt. Royal Ave.

It's worth noting that Glutton Balmore will have a crabhouse element to it. We're still working out the kinks though.

Best,
Ben
Proprietor, Glutton

[Robert Johnson]

I once had all you can eat chicken wings with Ben and he actually played Wings (the band) on his headphones to keep himself pumped.

[Jenny Bling]

My love for meat falls only behind my adoration for the bottle. When Glutton has perfected the "Porterhouse Jack Daniels-infused- "High Life"-glazed,ain't "mad", but "drunk", Cow twilight Special", I will move in.

[justin k]

this is brilliant. i want in